Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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