why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
