the condom got lost in my hair
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
