textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
