it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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