Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize