Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize