do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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