i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
