Who wears a wallet chain?!
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
