Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
