I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
