the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
