Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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