that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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