meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
