I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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