Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
