Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
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