my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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