oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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