Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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