your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Randomize
