Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
