Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
