I smell stomach acid.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
