she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
and you fell through a lawn chair
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
