I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
