I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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