my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
