You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
