i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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