so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Im part way to drunk.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
