my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I think my moral compass just broke
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