nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
