god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just made out with a guy for $7.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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