if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
