im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
