Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
