3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
