I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
