so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize