So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
