I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize