mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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