Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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