This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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