He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
