i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
