so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
