just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
the liver wants what the liver wants
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
