her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
