I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
