i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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