Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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