So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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