do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize