Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
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