you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
