just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
