mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
