If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
