your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
