Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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